Futile
by Zelos the Swordsman
Summary: Would you change who you are, just to be with someone who seemed so unattainable? Implied Hiei x Botan and Mukuro x Hiei


The first time I saw him, I couldn't help but to think he was handsome. He was, truly. He was a little on the short side, but height doesn't really matter to me. What caught my attention were his eyes. Piercing and bold, just like the color they held - blood red.

To be honest, I had never thought of any male like I had of him - let alone a demon. He was an asshole, to be honest. He was cold and he would hardly speak. I hardly ever saw him and I wondered to myself why I would think of him so often.

Every time I _was_ in his presence, he would grimace so deeply I thought his face would collapse. It was every single time and I couldn't help but think why he would frown. Then I thought;

_Is it me?_

He didn't like me. Of course my heart would try to make some petty excuse. "He doesn't like anyone, so it's natural he acts that way around you too..." But that was not the case.

With Yusuke and Kurama he would open at least a little. Even with Kuwabara, who he hated, he would talk with. Not much, but he would. But not at all with me. I think the only reason he ever talked to me before I changed was because he was obligated.

The nicest and longest sentence I had ever received from him was "Give me the damned mission brief before I kill you."

I was carefree and I didn't really care about what people thought of me. Everyone knew I had a friendly disposition and I was caring.

So why did he bother me so much? The answer was so simple, yet so complicated.

I had fallen in love. Yes, I had fallen in love with someone I knew would _never_ return my feelings.

It was futile; I knew deep down, that Hiei would never see me in another light than the one I was associated with. He saw me as a burden, an idiot, a waste of space.

_A waste of life._

For some unexplained reason, I unconsciously began to change. I believe it was to attempt to please Hiei. I grew quiet and I phased away from the 'ditz' that was part of every gang. I became quiet, secluded, and talked when I was required to.

I won't lie, it was torture. It was like forcing a fish to learn how to breathe outside of the water. It was not natural to become so different. I was happy and strong in my own ways.

Every time I looked in the mirror and heard my friend's voices praise me for my individuality and character, I slapped myself. I was such a hypocrite. Hopefully, they have found better role-models than me.

The character change remained for some time. It was a few months or so after Sensui's defeat. Hiei was in and out of the human world. I knew he wouldn't want to stay but I always hoped he would return. At least for a moment.

One day, I received my wish. I was flying through a forest of the Demon Plane. I was on my way to pick up a demon that had recently died and was wandering the 'Ghost' realm, as I like to call it.

On my way toward my target, I noticed someone in the trees. I was not curious, so I continued on my way. However, I felt a piercing gaze on me – a very familiar one. Suddenly I slowed to a halt and on the branch next to me was Hiei.

He stared at me and I stared in return, my face devoid of any emotion, nearly mirroring his. He stared and stared to the point I became uncomfortable. After some time he finally nodded and dissapeared.

For the first time in while, I truly smiled, the bottled emotions just sprouting from within like a rare fountain in the desert. I felt a small shred of hope in my confused heart.

Of course, fate works in strange ways.

Shortly after that moment, everyone I loved was summoned to the Demon Plane to take part in a tournament to decide the next Demon King.

Naturally, Hiei left as well.

It was such a long time. I lost track of time since when I had last seen his face and when everyone else, save Hiei, returned to the Human world.

I faintly remember asking Kurama of his whereabouts. He gave me that all-knowing smile, the one that would have most women at his feet. I remained unfazed - the only one who would ever make me act so uncharacteristically was Hiei. The one who had stole my heart...and seemed to have no intention of returning it.

"He's decided to stay in the Demon Plane as the Second of Mukuro."

As if those words weren't enough to send my little heart into a frenzy of agony. Kurama just smiled again and rubbed his head.

"Silly, huh? Isn't strange we're not going to be seeing him anymore?"

I did not respond and I walked away. Later I learned about Mukuro and the supposed relationship between the two.

Why had that happened? Why did he decide to stay? I had truly believed that I had a chance. _We_ had a chance.

Was I not strong enough? That was it...he hated weaklings. That was what I was, of course. I had changed my life, the things I loved, and even some of the people I associated with just for him.

I only hope the best for him. I would never wish him harm and sadness. If I have to be sad in order for him to be happy in life...then so be it.

All I can do is sigh in regret now. It was my positive heart's fault; loving Hiei seemed futile from the beginning.


End file.
